My son, Seamus, turns 13 tomorrow.
It is 5, in the morning, and sleep has long since evaded my body. Instead, as a fine replacement, I am surrounded, by the memories, of the life, that changed mine.
When I gave birth to this child, everything changed. The universe, gravity, my waistline. My life. Nothing would be the same. I became responsible for another life. I couldn't back out now. He was here. And he was mine. There is nothing that can prepare you for that. The instant you look at the face, of the child, you carried for months and months, it begins. Love. Pure love. Nothing tainted with hurt, lies, love songs, break up songs, ice cream to see you through the sadness. Just love.
Infancy came and went. Those moments and milestones captured forever in my brain, in my heart. The toddler years ran through my life fast. Too fast. Then things changed. He grew. No more Thomas the Train, no more cute little boy things. They were swept away by life size Lego sets, video games, and the constant reminder that, this child, was growing up. Watching him walk down his path was not always easy. He had to endure a father, who never showed him love-until Ben came, a mother who struggled as a single parent, being bullied, and learning to muddle through the mess of life. But, I also got to witness so much more. I was given a child whose heart compares to no one. He loves all, and gives all. His thoughtfulness and compassion amaze me. He is the greatest reminder that the world does not dictate the behavior. He has so much good in him. So much love. I have a son who will be thirteen tomorrow and he still hugs and kisses me goodbye. He still tells me he loves me, every single day. And I love him. To hold your baby in your arms is amazing. To slowly learn to put the baby down, and let him grow, on his own, is unforgettable. I love him. It's that simple. I've spent so much, of these past thirteen years, trying to realize that this is real. I am a mother. The conditions of love don't exist. I can easily love without strings, without fear of that love leaving me. I have spent much of that time laughing, crying, doubting myself. It's not easy. And it's never done without fault. But it's done. It goes on. When raising children time doesn't crawl. It passes by us faster than sound. We adjust to it, as best we can. But, it's hard. To reach into the deep recesses of my mind, and try to remember that he was a baby takes a lot. At one time I held him close to my heart, in my arms. I did everything for him. And then, one day, it was gone. I couldn't pick him up, I couldn't dress him, I couldn't rock him to sleep singing "Me and My Bobby McGee" anymore. He was too big. I didn't know what to do. His independence was the beginning of my dependence. I depended on him to call out for me. I longed for those times I was needed. And, although they didn't come, as often as before, they came. And I realized, I'm not losing him. He's not slipping through my arms, leaving me alone and wondering why he's not asking me to make him Mickey Mouse pancakes anymore. He's standing next to me, holding my hand, so that I can walk through his life with him. The size of my baby, has changed, but the love hasn't. I still tuck him in every night. I still get my "I love yous", I still get to be his mom. Nothing will change that. I'll always have that honor that was given to me. I'll always worry about him, I'll always wonder if I did enough. And, I'll always know, that this is my son. My beautiful, tender hearted young man.
So.....on the Eve of his thirteenth birthday, I sit here, writing this and eating one of the cupcakes he asked me to make him. On the Eve of this thirteenth year, I sit here satisfied. My heart is content with knowing that, even though there were many things in life I could not give my children, there is one thing I could always give. Will always give. Love. The unconditional love that leaves you breathless. The same love that you need, as much as, air. The same love that gets you through the toughest times, bringing you into a happiness that consumes every inch of you. I am a mother. I love unconditionally and I am loved unconditionally.
Happy thirteenth birthday, to the one who forever changed me. My son. My beautiful Seamus. My love for you is beyond measure. My joy at seeing the young man you have become is indescribable. I love you. There's not much to it than that. Loving you is, as easy as, breathing.
